Tuesday, December 2, 2008

6 Ways the Redskins are like an Alcoholic Stepfather

The Jim Zorn-led Redskins these days remind me of an alcoholic stepfather. He always says he is sorry and things will get better. You even start to believe it. But just when things are going great; he shows up to your birthday party drunk and tries to hump the cake (or a 1st cousin as pictured here).

1. The Honeymoon Period
Just married your mom. Everything is great. You play catch in the yard each night. He helps you with your homework. There is even talk that he might adopt you. You are extremely excited even though you hardly know him.

This is the Skins 4-1 start. Zorn was new and no one had any idea what to expect...

2. Presents
He throws around expensive presents to make you happy and you feel all tingly inside. Paradise!

Sign Jason Taylor to a 2-year deal and we laugh at our only problem being 2 punters vying for the coveted spot.

3. First sign of trouble
He misses picking you up after basketball practice and the coach has to drive you home. Later that night, you hear him stumble, curse at your mother, and pass out on the couch. When you wake up, he's snoring peacefully sprawled on the floor with one hand still wrapped around his Bud Ice and his foot in a bowl of Ramen noodles.

Loss to Rams. Followed by eke it out win over the lowly Browns, which really felt like a loss. The offense sputtered, but the Skins were still 6-2. Why worry?

4. Apologies
He makes up for it by taking you and your mom out for dinner and then buying you ice cream afterward. Things are good again. See, your mom, tells you, he really does care.

Santana Moss on a punt return delivers the Skins from possible trivia question hell and is the gloss on an otherwise extremely unimpressive performance against one of the worst professional football teams ever assembled...

5. Repeated bad behavior
Family hits some rough times and he hits the bottle like it's a month-long Mardi Gras.

Steelers, Cowboys, Seahawks, Giants. Now the team is 7-5 and staring down the barrel of a vicious Ravens D on a Sunday night national TV game. Why were we excited again?

6. Taking full responsbility
"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to. I promise I'll never hit your Mom again. I love you!" - Stepfather

Post-Giants game quotes
"It's unfortunate that it happens so quickly. You've got to show some patience. It's not just one person's fault." - Shawn Springs

"And then that kind of set me off and I just started whining about everything. Believe me. I was on everybody. I was even on myself. We didn’t start out well." - Jim Zorn

"You know what, honestly, I believe each of us has to look ourselves in the mirror and see what’s there. It’s about accountability. We’ve just got to do a better job. Each one of us has to do a better job, plain and simple." - Anthony Montgomery

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