Thursday, December 27, 2007

SPOILER ALERT! (In this article, I predict the Skins will win)

As the presiding voice of reason and optimism at The Inquirer, I have struggled to find ways to help those who, like ebaggg, have lost their way, lost their faith, or just plain lost their minds this season. Perhaps it was me who looked foolish for suggesting that Gibbs should be extended. The fact that Snyder is contemplating doing just that is not necessarily redemption for me either--Danny offering Gibbs an extension is like Charlie Sheen offering a hooker another $1000 to stay the weekend.

Back in August we gave you the reality of the situation--that this team was overlooked and ignored by the experts--and that we should be happy about that, because Joe Gibbs thrives when people think little of his team. The Hype-less era is fully underway, and the Redskins are growing up the right way (as opposed to thinking everyone owes them respect because of Super Bowls won 15-20 years ago.) It seems that this team is deriving a sense of self that has more to do with what is happening this year (some pretty tough, heart-breaking stuff) than what has happened in the past. And while you just can't play every game for the next 25 years for Sean Taylor, don't you get the sense some of what is happening as a result of these events is sustainable?

When you hear that Jason Campbell cried at his locker after a gut-wrenching defeat earlier in the year, inconsolable because he felt he let his team down, don't you get the impression he cares? When I see the way Clinton Portis and Santana Moss have played through injury all season, I am pretty sure they care. When you see an elite player at his position like Chris Cooley get paid the way he did, and still go out and break his back to get it done for a marginal offense, you get the sense he cares. Finally, the way our defense has held up against the run in recent weeks is very indicative of a unit that cares and plays with heart--if you don't there is no way you hold the league's #1 running attack in check the way they did in Minnesota. Shouldn't Gibbs and Williams share in some of the credit for inspiring this team a little bit?

Home Playoff Game?
We have a bona fide home playoff game...against the Cowgirls no less! At the start of this season, nobody would have ever guessed this would be happening....hell, 3 weeks ago, few people would be predicting this. And the best news is that this team earned its way here. It earned the losses that could have been wins, and it earned the wins that could have been losses, just the way a young team with zero identity does. Regardless of the player personnel decisions the Cowgirls will make this weekend, a win builds confidence heading into another playoff game.

Making the playoffs this year is not a last grasp at a closing window for this group. It is the first step in becoming a possible perennial contender. Landry, Golston, Montgomery, McIntosh (hopefully), Rogers (hopefully), Blades...these guys could/should be around on defense for a while. Campbell, Portis, Betts, Cooley, Moss, Rabach, Samuels...these guys should be together for a while as well (we need to spend some draft picks up front on Offense for sure). NOW we can start naming "core Redskins"...because now there is a "core" of something to maintain. There is no "salary cap hell" around the corner for the Redskins...if we haven't been there yet, I am convinced we aren't going any time soon. I say all of this because we have something now in this town we have not had since the first term of Joe Gibbs--an up-and-coming team that has its best football in front of it. Who would have thought making the playoffs at this point would be considered OVER-achieving!?

We at The Inquirer requested one thing from this team back in August..."Show me, homey." We think they showed us that they were good enough but not yet ready to beat the Giants in week 3, the Packers in week 6, the Cowgirls in week 11, the Bucs in week 12, and the Bills in week 13. We think they showed that they were bad enough but not ready to lose to the Dolphins in week 1, the Eagles in week 2, the Cards in week 7, and the Jets in week 9.

Sure will be great when they show people what they learned from all of those games in a meaningful home game in the last week of the season.

Redskins 27, Cowgirls 13

See you in Seattle.

P.S. We can only expect the Redskins to play as hard as we tailgate...rain or shine, that parking lot better be crazy this week.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

2007 All Ahern-Team: Eternal Goose

It's the most wonderful time of the year...and we are in a giving mood here at The Inquirer, so bring on the the 1st Annual All-Ahern team. The coveted honor and distinction that accompanies being named to the 2007 All-Ahern Team has inspired even the most refined individuals to lewd and lascivious behavior--sorry Al came close this year, and the nude, crude holiday video you sent to me almost got you the nod for Best Naked Performance in 2007, but you got edged out by Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen, who drove through a Wendy's drive-thru naked this past August. Coach Cullen, best not set that Frosty on the seat between your legs...or you'll go from a Quarter Pound Double to a Junior Bacon Single in under 2 seconds.

NFL Coach of the Year: Well, since we can't give another award to Joe Cullen, we will go with the coach who I think has had the greatest season from start to finish: Jacksonville Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio. Making the call to dump former franchise QB Byron Leftwich and go with David Garrard was bold. I'm talking "Michael Scott photo-shopping his face onto his girlfriend's family photo and making it his Christmas Card" bold. It was one of those situations where he had little room to be right--and a lot of room to be fired. This team has had probably the most physical defense in the league the last 2-3 seasons, but the offense has failed to match that intensity. Going with Garrard has proven to be ingenius--he is the 2nd-highest rated QB in the entire league. Garrard's numbers won't blow you away, but he has led this team to the brink of the playoffs and Del Rio deserves a lot of credit for putting him in that position. Welcome to the Ahern-team, Jack.

Best College Football Conference: SEC. Not a whole lot of explanation needed. From top-to-bottom this conference brings some serious heat. I mean, Kentucky??!! Arkansas??!! If you are a top 25 school over the last decade or so, you circle your date against Kentucky or Arkansas and call it Homecoming. Not lately...the teams in this conference have laid more wood this season than when Peter North and Ron Jeremy filmed that orgy scene...while building a deck!

Best Performance, leading Male: Adrian Peterson. This guy has been must-see TV since week 1, and his record-setting day against the Chargers was oh-so-manly. Applications for part-time waitress jobs on charter boats that cater to high-profile athletes on the lakes are at an all-time high since he joined the ranks of the purple and gold.

Best Team Performance: The 2007 Baltimore Ravens against the Miami Dolphins in Week 15. If only 1 or 2 players had wanted to lose that game to the Dolphins, they still may have won. But they got together and decided, as a team, that they didn't want to win. And then they executed their plan to perfection. Coach Brian Billick, always a team guy, got into the mix and earned himself an Ahern-Team award as well:

Vagisil Call of the Year: Coach Brian Billick deciding to kick the field goal with 12 seconds left from the 5-inch line against the only winless team in the league. If you have a team on the ropes...a team that has invented ways to lose this season...a team that 100% believed they were going to lose that very game...a team that no way was going to keep them out of the end do you kick the field goal? At worst you could throw a ball through the back of the end zone after 3 or 4 seconds of looking for an open receiver. Don't give me that "But Troy Smith is a rookie" B.S. Troy Smith faced a harder defense in practice throughout the week. He played against better teams in college...hell, he played in bigger games in college--not to mention the 4 nice passes he completed under pressure to get them down the field to begin with. The center could have farted and the ball would have crossed the goal line. Brian Billick, this tube of Vagisil is for you.

Comeback Player of the Decade: Over the course of his career, Fragile Freddy has gotten a bad rap for being injured and injury-prone. Sure, he has had his share of injuries, but Fred Taylor keeps getting off the mat and rushing upfield for the Jags. His 4.7 rushing average per carry is 5th all-time, he is 18th all-time in rushing yards (approx. 10,500) and of the 47 players in the history of the NFL that have rushed for at least 7,000 yards, he is the only one to never make a Pro Bowl, including this year. To achieve all this, he has had to come back from a lot (the snubs, the disrespect, the actual injuries). Worse, he isn't even the most famous Fred Taylor--that distinction goes to Basketball Hall of Fame coach Fred Taylor, who, in addition to coaching Jerry Lucas, John Havlicek, and Bobby Knight, coached Ohio State to the finals 3 straight years, winning it all in 1960.

Best Performance by a Trio: The Ahern-Team would not be complete without this trio of Jessica's...Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson. These three had a great year. Hottest Jessica goes to Biel, Trashiest Jessica goes to Simpson, "Proof she did it" Jessica goes to the pregnant Alba. These celebrity hotties are having kids younger and younger, and with Britney's 16-year old sister now pregnant, Vegas has the over/under of when Alba's daughter becomes impregnated at 9.5 yrs old. A special order of merit is bestowed upon Jessica Simpson for destroying Tony Romo's ability to play football. Ponder for a moment, if you will, what those two must have done within at least 48 hours of last week's game, and tell me you honestly could have concentrated on one single play. Finally, thanks to the magic of Hollywood, we can rest assured that even if Jessica Biel portrayed a crippled, wheelchair-bound, elderly, double-amputee, burn survivor, we could count on some kind of dream-sequence where she would be running down the beach in slow-motion in a teeny tiny bikini with no less than 1 minute of camera time each dedicated to the front and back. Brilliant!

Easiest Job in the World: Coach/GM of the New York Knicks. Let me get this straight...bring in every head-case, injury-prone, high-salary malcontent you can find...become involved and entrenched in an environment that condones--NAY, encourages--lewd, crude, harassing behavior towards females...lie your face off to an owner who wouldn't know class if it sat on his face and took a giant dump...yeah, I think anyone could do that. Don't give me that, "but it's New York...the capital of media scrutiny". These guys are walking around with their rear-ends showing to the world and they don't seem to care--and they still have their jobs!

Ahern-Team MVP: Gilbert Arenas. The sentimental favorite was Sean Taylor, but we decided to honor Gil for his sacrifice this year. By shutting himself down to have knee surgery, he has single-handedly aided in his team's development more than anyone in the history of the Wizards/Bullets franchise. Learning how to win without your best player is best done in the regular-season...not the playoffs like we had to do last year (I say 'we' because yes, I play for the Wiz). Anyone who thinks we won't need him when he is healthy later this season is dumber than Isaiah Thomas and Jimmy Dolan combined!

How DeShawn Stevenson Invented the 'I Can't Feel my Face'

So I'm pretty confident I found where DeShawn stole the 'I can't feel my face' move. (See video below). It would be great if in a game he pulled out a Terrell Owens-esque move and did this with real fire after he dunked on someone. Ok, not really. But I'd be curious to see DeShawn's reaction now that we tracked down where he copied it from.

And why are these not more popular? The shirt becomes even funnier when you're stumbling around the Verizon Center WASTED.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I Wish There Was Laws Against Assh*les Like These!

MAJOR UPDATES AND DRAMA WITH THIS it all below. My ebay post is sadly is bringing the worst out in people. Check out Update2.

I am so pissed off I cannot even explain. I was unable to get a Sean Taylor commemorative towel during the Buffalo game, and I noticed they were selling them on for $3.99, where all the profits of course go to Sean Taylor's Memorial fund. As a quick 'why not?'...I checked Ebay and found something EXTREMELY disturbing. Scores of Ebay postings of people selling their 21 commemorative towels for over $10..some Buy it Now for $30 with special tags 'RIP' and real emotional stuff. ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?! This is a disgrace that society has sunk this low to profit off such an emotional time. We all know FedEx field is expensive. The fact that you can afford to be there, I seriously doubt an extra $15 makes a difference in your life where you need to step to this level.

For those out-of-town fans that attended the game who have no loyalties to the Redskins, you have NO excuse either. I hate Jeremy Shockey probably more than any player in the league, but if I was at Giants stadium for a similar ceremony (God forbid), I would have for sure given it away to someone who would want it more. At the least, I could post a craigslist ad saying 'Free commemorative towel' and snail mail it to a fan's house for $1. It’s called ‘doing something nice.’ Something we really cannot grasp unless it involves a guaranteed favor back.

To TRY and help combat these dicks, I paid to post an Ebay listing telling people to stop buying these towels from these can see that here.

Perhaps we all should email the ebay sellers telling them off...any thoughts on this people? This needs to stop.

UPDATE: Ok, so Steinberg already blogged this story. Dammit Ken, you've been offline quite should have caught this. Anyway, the bids for the towels were over $100 the day of his funeral. SHAME.

UPDATE2: So I have received 3 replies to my ebay post. 2 thanking me, and well, the other...this:
"YOU are the scumbag. A noble cause? Snyder gave his daughter $500K. Sean Taylor was my favorite player, but dont hate on people trying to make a buck for themselves. Oh yeah, is out of them you douchebag. Get a life - pot_king"

Now, how I am suppose to respond to this? NEVER stooping to his was my rather calm response:

"How is out of them if I bought one today? The hostility in your reply proves your personality and the greed of the ebay sellers. I was a Sean Taylor fan more than anybody and the fact that you encourage it proves your ignorance. Notice how I don't take the trashy response route like you. Yes. Dan Snyder STARTED with $500K...AND all profits from S. Dot's jerseys, which are MASSIVE if you haven't noticed. The fact you took time out of your life to reply to my good will post is more saddening than anything. No Sean Taylor fan or humane person would ever respond like this. Please, stop talking. You are only embarrassing yourself more."

Update3: Positive ebay reply:
Dear ebaggg,


I dont know who you are but,I want to say THANK YOU!I too am disgusted by what I see on ebay.I went to the game and I was moved to tears during the opening tribute.But, when I went to look for a jersey on ebay (our area sold out)I saw those towels and my heart just dropped!My towel was taken off my shoulder after the game and the guard saw me searching and handed me another.It means something to me.Too bad these jerks dont get it.Again Thanks!

4ever Skins Fan

Monday, December 10, 2007

OSU vs. LSU? That's Mighty White of You

We at the Inquirer like to stick with what we know best. Most of the time it consists of waxing poetic about our favorite local teams, trying to crack jokes at the expense of today's athletes, and trying to make sense out of those occurrences in life that will never make sense (Sean Taylor). College football is way down the list of our personal areas of expertise, so when I was trying to make sense out of the BCS announcements the other night, I just figured it was me who didn't know enough to understand the whole debacle of a questionable Ohio State team playing a two-loss LSU team for the national championship. But as I looked into the mirror, I noticed something...a white guy! Of course! I'm white!

Perhaps my whiteness could be tapped to help explain the BCS atrocity. After all, old, white guys have been doing dumb things for centuries. Could this just be the latest in a long string of absolutely unacceptable creations of rich white dudes?
Maybe in this day and age, it would be naive to think every bowl committee chairperson is an old white dude. But I bet most of them are. I bet most of them are old and white. And RICH. There is simply too much money for them to keep making if there is a switch to a more modern, more fair, smarter, more popular, more logical, more definitive, BETTER system. I'm not suggesting they are racist. I am suggesting they are dumb. And old. And white. And RICH. And that is something I can relate to.

Man would I love to be an old, rich, white dude. Middle class whiteness is nothing to sneeze at, but upper crust rich whiteness is like taking a time machine back to feudalism and lording over serfs. Coincidentally, this must have been when they came up with the current BCS system. Because it has no business in this era.

Listen, the SEC is the best conference in college football. Top to bottom, they are the best group of teams in the land. They beat each other up all season and the best team out of that conference has at least a very good argument to play in the national championship game this season. But Ohio State? The Big Ten sucked this year. You're telling me Hawaii couldn't beat those guys on a neutral field? Colt Brennan is statistically the greatest QB in the history of college football. And his undefeated team sits at #10? That is a joke. The WAC is a weak conference? I wonder if Oklahoma would agree after last year's best college football game of the season saw them lose to Boise State. We just saw a season-long commercial of why there should be a playoff system to determine the national champion. Too bad a bunch of rich white dudes were too busy counting their money to see it.

Shouldn't there be a change in this thing just so we can get some different schools playing for the big one, or at least getting the chance? It is always the same old re-treads. LSU and Ohio State are like the Bush's and Clinton's. Is there no end to how many times we can put these people in position for the top spot?

Going back to the OU/Boise State game, that was arguably one of the top 3 games of all time. The truth is, how many great games and upsets have we missed because the little guys who started out so low in the rankings never have a chance to finish in the top 6? The playoffs are needed. My other gripe is that there is a full month between when the season ends and when the bowl games start. It's retarded. OK, I know students have finals and what not, but come on, this really is a business. Hawaii somehow needs to be given a chance. Don't ask me how many teams should be in the playoffs, I don't know. At least 4, but probably 6 where the top 2 teams gets BYEs the first week. But that leads to the next problem, Hawaii is only ranked #10 now so they'd still be out of it, right?! Yep, I told you this system is retarded.

And lets be honest. If Notre Dame only had 2 or even 3 losses this year, they'd be playing for the National Title. It's like a high school most popular girl contest. As George Costanza so eloquently said, (and I'm applying the BCS to it)..."This thing is like an onion: the more layers you peel, the more it stinks!"

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Sibley Hospital to Open New Wing for Redskins Players

** NEWSWIRE - Sibley Hospital has announced they will be constructing a new 70 person, 24-hour, year-round, state-of-the-art Emergency Unit wing for Redskins players. ***

OK, not really but we're close to that. So the Skins are the worst conditioned team in the NFL. It started with Jon Jansen week 1 and its never stopped:

PRE-GAME Injuries this year:
WR: Moss, ARE, Thrash, Lloyd (lot of hamstring injuries)
OL: Jansen (ankle), R. Thomas (torn triceps), Kendall (plus injuries to Wade and Heyer)
Secondary: ST (knee), Carlos (knee), Springs and Smoot (vaginas)
Deaths: S. Dot, Justin Skaggs (brain tumor), Kevin Mitchell (heart attack)

Campbell (dislocated knee cap), Cooley, Fred Smoot (cramps), Randy Thomas (elbow) and Clinton Portis (stomach ailment).

All I have to say is that this is not 'bad luck'. Sure, you do have the freak accidents like Carlos Rogers and S. Dot, but as a matter of fact these players are not conditioned. That's the only way to explain the chronic hamstrings and cramps. It also explains why we continually blow leads in the second halves of games.

Not only that, quick, try to think of a HEALTHY Redskin that is under the age of 30.....come on, you can do it, no, not Suisham or Frost, another one. OK, Chris Samuels and Cooley, although he is now banged up which is concerning. Seriously, why is it when one player goes down, our team is a mess? You can look at the Pats, who faced their run of CRUSHING injuries in the secondary...and that was the year they went to and won the Super Bowl. Troy Brown was playing corner in the Super Bowl!! So that to me raises two red flags, 1) we have no youth on our squad, and 2) bad coaching. The two are actually VERY related because the coaches traded away so many draft picks for horrible free agents. The good news is we are absolutely SCREWED with the salary cap the next 2 years even with it jumping up 10+ million. Seriously, I think we should just let Los Angeles have the Skins and we can start fresh. The new about the "Washington Snipers"...hmm, no. The "Gimps"..."Downsies"? The only way I could support a team this bad is if they had the suffix 'Bullets'.

PS - On a side note. Why do great, scrambling quarterbacks NEVER wear knee pads? Vince Young...nope. Jason Campbell...nope. From what I read, the helmet that hit JC's knee was almost straight on...hmm...right where some padding should have been. I played hockey with MASSIVE knee pads and my mobility was fine. What is the difference..just wear them!! Steve Young did, Brett Favre matters!! Jesus, I'm worked up again. Im Out. Wilbon, if you're reading this, why don't you write an article about how African Americans with thug backgrounds don't wear knee pads. Sean Taylor didn't, Carlos Rogers didn't and look what happened to them. It had to be from their criminal past that caused that. OK, Im clearly stretching my point now but Wilbon crossed the line last week and wrote a stereotypical article against blacks from himself. To quote an eloquently spoken blog I read:

The trouble with Wilbon is he uses the sports column to make comments and inferences about circumstances outside of the game that he doesn't fully comprehend.

As it turns out Taylor's demise had nothing to do with any 'street grievances' or 'payback' from guys he met while at the U.

It was rather Taylor's generosity to his sister and his family in letting them use his house and invite friends into his compound that seemingly caused a couple of these idiots to hatch a plan to rob him.

Wilbon is guilty of doing what he claims the 'white' media does all the time, namely stereotype the athlete of color.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Simply Unforgettable

People sure do see a lot of things when they look at this picture. Some see a hairdo. Some see a skin color. Some see a tattoo. Some see a football player. Look again though. It's a picture of a proud new father. It's a picture of a beloved son. It's the picture of the love of someone's life. It's the picture of a hero (see below.)
I have had this picture on my screensaver at work for a long time now. The occasional comment from a co-worker would invariably spark the debate of Sean Taylor's "off-the-field" problems. Sure he skipped an important business meeting (rookie symposium), got pulled over for allegedly driving under the influence, and he has displayed at times a less than pleasant disposition on the field (spitting on Pittman)...but these are the same kinds of headlines we gobble up everyday on E! News, Access Hollywood, TMZ, etc. Sean Taylor was just a big, mean, black football player, so it wasn't as cute to people (nor should it have been) as when Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears did these same kinds of things both in public and at their workplaces . His journey to the edge of jail-time and back on the word of known criminals and tried by a self-advertising, DJ-wannabe prosecutor did serious damage to his reputation. One thing he figured out was how to stay out of the media--altogether. He ran from the media to protect his privacy. And in the absence of his voice, people were more than happy to assume he was a bad guy and that there must be foul play at all turns with a guy like this. It was an easy story to tell. It was an easy story to believe for some people with a single glance at this picture.

Sean Taylor had to grow up real fast it seemed. Faster than most of us had to probably. He has for some time represented an individual worthy of admiration by the young fans coming to the ballpark to see him, both as a player and as a person. He worked harder at his chosen profession and understood what his role was in fulfilling his potential, as evidenced by his study habits and practice effort. He was a good man. If you think that his radio silence to the media and disappearing act outside of football prevent me from being able to call him a good man, I think the same things prevent anyone from saying he was a bad man. Except my argument has evidence of a guy who was only 24 and had already figured out a lot. And I can show you a guy who had impacted so many lives positively on and off the field--which we know to be true given the stories told these days.

When I see this picture, I always think of why I go to the games on Sunday. Television brings you the games from around the country in nice, neat packages into your living room. But something about watching a guy like Sean Taylor live made it worth having a seat at the game every week. He was our best player. On our entire roster, Sean Taylor was the BEST REDSKIN. Not only that but he was going to be our best player for a long time. Seeing this picture throughout the year and certainly throughout the offseason always made me feel good about the prospects of our upcoming year, or upcoming game. Any defense that had Sean Taylor on it had a chance to win. Period.

I did not know the man personally. He had an impact on me though to be sure. He was my favorite player; he was ebagg's favorite player. He was ours to defend against the fans of every other team year-round. He was ours to defend against even other Redskin fans who were concerned we had a "bad apple" in the bucket. He never did anything to deserve what happened to him in his home that night, when he was clearly defending his family against intruders, standing between gun-wielding criminals and his fiance and baby. When is Michael Wilbon going to write the article calling him a hero instead of the one he wrote basically blaming Sean Taylor? If he hadn't been there with them, unspeakable harm could have been visited upon his baby and fiance. If people want to constantly make Sean Taylor out to be the sum product of his few public missteps as they have been doing for so long now, perhaps they should consider his most recent action that was made public. In the moment that I believe defines the kind of man he was, he stood between his family and two bullets.


Saturday, December 1, 2007

Sean Taylor's Gunner....

So based on a news article posted on a Canadian website, I was able to track down one of the 4 arrested dickheads that broke into S. Dot's house. (took 15 minutes of searching through all the 'Eric Rivera' profiles, but I found it). I created a phony myspace account and asked to be a friend. Supposedly the pictures on his profile are him rolling around in his bed with $100 bills and lots of intelligent stuff like that.

Its rumored Ken and Megan do this with Dylan when then change him but until we have some proof, I'll just go ahead and say it is a fact. I'll post more if I get in.

So here is Mr. Florida...aka, Eric Rivera's My Space page (the one pictured on the far left above and he is the one who has confessed to shooting Sean). To give you a brief blurb from his my space: "choppa city "Goon" pussy's "Nigga im Mr. Florida, fuck what u talkin bout and what u heard, nigga come see me" IM IN THE MURDA CAPITAL, FIND ME PUSSY HAHA". I would love to see how Mr. Cannon or Mr. Burke would deal with one of this guy's homework essays.

To try to end on a good note, here is video of arguably (in reality a fact) one of Sean Taylor's best hits of all time (in the pros). It came in the Pro Bowl.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Coincidence? Take a Closer Look

Brendan Haywood, at times this season, has been as dominating a center as we have had in some time. Averaging 9 points and 12 rebounds a game, he has been very active for the Wizards on defense and has been able to score in timely situations. With Etan out indefinitely, it seems rather timely that Brendan would step up and perform a little more to his potential. But wait...he played a lot better last year when Etan was hurt. In fact, after starting the first 20 games of the season, Etan got hurt and by the time Etan was ready to start practicing again, the Wizards were 8-1 with Haywood at center. He was averaging 9 points and 10 rebounds. Sound familiar? Don't get me wrong, I love the production we are getting from the center position right now, but it kind of sucks that Etan had to have open-heart surgery for Brendan to play well and with confidence. Why do I say that? Because I happen to know the history behind these two and I am in the unique position to shine some light on these facts.

Exhibit A

In the third grade, Etan Thomas comes home from school early. He was sent home by the school nurse for a case of rampant lice in his hair. He missed 2 weeks of school and was almost held back an entire year because his cursive writing skills were so far behind the rest of the class. That same week a young Brendan Haywood comes home all smiles--he got the lead in his class' school play, Gulliver's Travels. Sure, his height had a lot to do with that, as he was already 6'3" by the time he was wrapping up grade school, but it was the way he came out of nowhere to land the gig. The school drama teacher noted on his final report card that, "All year long, I wanted more out of Brendan. Even though the rest of the class is white, he still did not do enough to win the lead roles in 'Shaft', 'Malcom X', or 'Ali'. But for some reason, that one week for 'Gulliver's Travels'...he was really on."

Exhibit B

On the way to high school one morning, Etan was involved in a 5-car pile-up that resulted in severe casualties for him and those in his car. The freshman he was driving to school that morning was savagely sliced in half, while Etan suffered broken ribs, a broken leg, a concussion, and lost his right eye (which is of course why he has that glass eye to this very day). He was in a wheelchair for 2 weeks, and his high school sweetheart dumped him when his lack of depth perception (because of the glass eye) resulted in an unfortunate bedroom mishap. That very same month, an awkward Brendan Haywood, only 1 year younger than Etan, lost his virginity to the hottest girl in school. In a page torn out of that year's yearbook obtained by the Ahern Inquirer, a very telling note was penned from his classmate Todd "Whitey" Whittington: "Thank God you finally broke up with Patricia. Her moustache was scary, and her fake leg is not even the same length as her real leg. But nobody can take away that magical night with Amy "Booba" Lishus. How you pulled that off I will never know, but I can tell you this. You were in a kind of zone then that you have never seen since! P.S. Tough luck losing the leads in 'Ali', and 'Shaft' to me in grade school. You would have been great! (No way you could have touched Sean O'Flanagan's performance in 'Malcom X' though.)"

Exhibit C

Things were going great for Etan. He was big man on campus at Syracuse. Nobody ever would have seen this one coming: anal fissures. He missed the entire 2nd half of his sophomore year battling this dreaded condition. It was because of this that he changed his major from Molecular Biology to Poetry. It was also because of this that he had surgery on his anal sphincter muscle. And it was because of that he wrote the poem, 'Ode to a High Fiber Diet'. If you could possibly be more shocked, consider this: During that same semester, Brendan Haywood enjoyed unprecedented success as the elected representative for his dormitory floor. Among the many initiatives passed that semester was the "Flip-Flops Save Lives" shower slogan; the much heralded "Drop Your Nugget, and Watch Me Chug It" toilet billboard campaign to encourage flushing; and the now legendary "Have a porno, Leave a porno; Need a porno, take a porno" collection box (he got the idea at 7-Eleven.) A political science professor at UNC at the time commented, "Dorm politics has never been dominated like this before. This kid has come from out of nowhere to perform at an unbelievably high level. I can't explain it. Plus I think it is alarming that kids need to be 'encouraged' to flush more."

Exhibits D and E

The last two seasons Haywood has all of a sudden shown up to play when Etan was out of the picture. This is MEGA-troubling. If I was Etan Thomas, I would watch out for any mysteriously tall, bald, headband-wearing nurses in his hospital room. Especially one with a bad Muhammad Ali impersonation.


Monday, November 12, 2007

Unwatchable. Unforgiveable. I am done with the Redskins.

Where do I even start with the Redskins/Eagles game? Oh I know, I am never watching another Skins game again. PERIOD. (sorry, bolding a period does not set the tone to how pissed off I am). Cowboys/Skins next week, I will not be watching. I vow never to watch another game until Saunders and Gibbs are both gone.

First things first. Who runs the ball on 3rd and goal from the 8 yard line!?!? The only possible team that should call this play is the Chargers. Yeah, that is a not a compliment to Norv Turner. And, how many times do we have to watch McNabb scramble for a 1st on 3rd and 21? Especially now that he has 2 flat tires!

I was actually in Philly for the game and listened to their WFAN announcers before the game. To paraphrase, "The Redskins are terrible. They have no passing touchdowns to a WR. Every team has focused on the run (because that's Joe Gibbs football) if you want to stop the Redskins, focus on Portis and make Campbell beat you. They barely beat the Jets and Dolphins."
Tough to argue that. However, Campbell was doing just that. First half he was completing long passes and actually looked quite solid. So went wrong? Very simply, COACHING. We seem to be the only team that does not make half-time adjustments.

Yeah, I take to heart Philly talk radio commentary as much as I do Kornheiser's predictions in NASCAR, but it just goes to show how simple and predictable our Offense is. The one gadget play we run every 3 weeks always results in a disaster.

Someone needs to be held accountable for this loss. And I am sick and tired of Joe Gibb's "we fought real hard" and "we have lots to think about it and it all starts with me." F*** THAT. Joe, you are single-handedly losing games with your decisions. Running the ball. Burning timeouts. Last week it was challenging the spot of the ball on a run up in the middle (no one could see anything) and this time on the Betts fumble. Is your headset broken? Are you so senile that you can't understand English from teammates that the play is not clearly visible?

We need a blowup at the post-game podium. I'm talking Denny Green throwing the mic, I'm talking Mora "PLAYOFFS?!" Joe, you need to show and share the same frustration we have and that you give a shit. I have a strong feeling once Joe is gone players will only then reveal how screwed up this hierarchial chain of command is. Two coordinators that run the whole show and one senile mastermind that overrides when he feels like. Whoever called that run on 3rd and 8 needs to step down immediately.

And why is Jason Campbell not audibling? There was one third and short where BOTH safeties were in the box? What do we do, exactly what our tape from the last 7 weeks up the middle. Outcome? STUFF. Punt it away.

I wanted to see at least 1 QB sneak in that situation. I feel like JC should be able to put his head down and get a couple yards almost any time he wants to do it. Especially when we are running no-huddle. But naturally, short-yardage situations this year have turned into 3rd and longs thanks to some timely penalties.

Which leads to my next question, if Belichick coached the Skins, would we have won that game? I'm pretty sure we would have. The Redskins CONTINUALLY make devastating penalties. How is this possible at week 8 AND AT HOME! The first drive of the game it was the illegal contact. So instead of a punt, the Birds get an automatic first and an eventaul TD. Then, the false start by Cooley on third and goal from the 3. How does this happen at home?!?? Inexcusable. Unforgiveable.

And why is it that substitute players bring NOTHING to the table? Once Sean Taylor went down, Pierson Prioleau got absolutely worked. We might as well have had Calvin Booth playing safety. On that crushing Westbrook score, Prioleau was running the wrong direction, and the only play he had to make was force Westbrook to the sideline. What does he do, run towards the sideline allowing Westbook to cut back open in the middle of the field. Does Prioleau attend the same practices as everyone else or he is being coached at Springbrook High? I am not expecting anyone to replace Sean Taylor, but you are in the NFL for a reason. At least play some fundamentals!

Our offensive line has been able to overcome injuries this year thankfully but as a team this is not working.

What is really disheartening is that the Skins right now are as good as they will get. We are not building anything. We have simply been treading water for the last 10 years. We've had some decent draft picks, but Dan Synder's will to continually buy over-priced fee agents to fill holes is a proven anti-pattern. I give Snyder props for bringing in Gibbs and handing the reins over, but enough is enough. If there's one free agent you sign, PLEASE let the next one be a General Manager. We all know you can afford the best, if not, just raise parking another $20 a car, which you'll probably do anyway. Once we have a GM, we can then input a MODERN day coach that is proven and players can trust in following.

For my part, I say to the Redskins entire coaching staff, "Thanks for nothing." I am focusing on the Wiz now. (*sigh*).


Thursday, November 8, 2007


This can't be right. This just doesn't make sense.

With every 3 yard pass on 3rd on 4, every 4 yard run on 3rd on 5, and every decision to punt on 4th and 1, the amount of people calling for Joe Gibbs to retire--or worse, for Joe Gibbs to be fired--grows exponentially. They scream, "He has lost touch with today's NFL player," "He has no feel for the flow of today's NFL game," "He seems lost and confused on the sidelines, and it's costing us games." To all of these people, I ask a question famously offered by The Great Communicator himself, Ronald Reagan--"Are you better off than you were four years ago?"
It is absolutely that simple.

I told you before the season that not only were people ignoring this year's team, they were dismissing this franchise. Like us, Coach Gibbs is far-removed from the greatness of the teams that won championships for D.C. We are not even in the championship debate any more, and it has nothing to do with the Coach's decision to throw or pass or call a time-out. This town can thank Norv Turner, Steve Spurrier, Danny Wuerrfel, Jeff George, Deion Sanders, and VINNY CERRATO for our current state of name but a few of the folks who have contributed to the craptastic environment that has grown and festered in the last decade and a half.

We survived (barely) the Norv Turner years. Like passing through a desert, that span of time tested our wills, and it is clear we lost some people along the way. Terry Robiskie and Steve Spurrier managed to suck so loudly that the great success of Marty Schottenheimer in 2001 is hard to discern. Steve Spurrier shouldn't have been released from his contract--he should have been charged with a felony. In addition to criminally ruining the career of our last 1st round quarterback by employing a pass protection scheme that was DESIGNED TO GENERATE SACKS, he embodied the "Better to give up than show up" attitude that we witnessed in Deion Sanders and Lav Coles when each of them left town. Norv is captain of the all-time "Abandon the Run" team, Spurrier is captain of the all-time "Abandon the Quarterback" team, and Schottenheimer was just plain abandoned.

Gibbs doesn't have the word abandon in his vocabulary. Down 17-3 to the Jets (a bad team), he stuck to his game plan and scraped out a win that left me wanting to vomit. It was not a pretty win but he decided what it would take to beat that team, and he went out and did it. One of the greatest players to ever suit up on the defensive side of the football, Champ Bailey, gets a pass from being blamed for anything--he was fed up with this franchise. But he had the decency to approach Coach Gibbs like a man and tell him he was done instead of doing it on TV through the media. Thanks to his professionalism, we at least got a franchise running back in return for him--though you won't hear me extolling the virtues of RB's over franchise CB's.

But we made it back to Joe and he made it back to us. He never folded his losing hand, even blaming himself for the early failures of an organization in complete disarray. Have we enjoyed Super Bowl success since his return? No. But we don't deserve the luxury of judging our team in terms of championships these days. We haven't deserved that since Joe left.

On to my most pressing concern. We call ourselves the Redskins' faithful...where's the faith? Part of what makes us so insufferable to the rest of the league's fans is the way we hold Gibbs to Christlike status. If that seems backwards even to us, the fact that we would choose to turn on him now is even more backwards. Are we better off than we were four years ago? Of course we are. This team is heading in the right direction. The speed at which we are heading in that direction is debatable. But the signs of progress are hard to ignore. We have a starting quarterback who is about to make his 16th career start, giving us a look at what he can do over the course of a "full season". Currently 7-8 in his first 15 starts, there is no real leap in the major stats from his 7 starts last year to his 8 starts this year except for one--WINS. He was 2-5 last year. He is 5-3 this year. Is anyone going to confuse him with Tom Brady? Of course not. But is anyone going to confuse him with John Friesz, or Heath Shuler, or Rob Johnson? Of course not.

The caliber of person at the leadership positions on our team--Campbell, Landry, Fletcher, Samuels, Jansen, Daniels--is at the highest level since the last group of players to suit up for Gibbs. Sure, he did not bring all of those guys in, but he sure kicked a few guys out who didn't meet his standards. I would include Sean Taylor in his own category. As long as we can re-sign him, his maturity and approach to the game these days has all the makings of a most distingushed career.
You want to play the "should've" game? Let's play. We "should've" lost to the Cards. We "should've" lost to the Jets. But we "should've" beaten the Pack. And we "should've" beaten the Giants. Net result is still 5-3. Fun game.

Finally, a little dose of reality. Does Joe Gibbs look like he is in a 100% comfort zone out there? No. Does he give us the impression he knows exactly what to do in every situation instantaneously the way he once did? No. Does he appear to be taking too many cues from any of the zillion coaches on the sidelines and upstairs? Yes. But to call for his firing? Where does that leave our team? How does that continue with the trend away from disarray that GIBBS started? How does that make us better? And what has Vinny done to prove he is capable of replacing Gibbs with someone who will take this ball and run with it?

Keeping the faith is not supposed to be easy. When you have to do it, it generally means you are clinging faithfully to something that is not readily apparent, or visibly seen. We have reason to believe, and that reason is very very simple. We are better off now than before the return of Coach Gibbs. Where previous coaches did not deserve the chance to continue their reigns of terror, inadequacy, and apathy, Gibbs has earned the right for us not to give up on him.


Sunday, October 28, 2007

Eastern Motors Trivia

I don't even want to talk about Sunday's debacle against the Pats. So instead, lets play a game. See if you can matchup the player with their Eastern Motors nickname. Answer key is below the lyrics, which now will be stuck in your head the rest of the day (you're welcome).

Note: If you get #5 wrong then you should seriously see a doctor to test if you are downs-syndrome.

1.) Antwan Randle El
2.) Sean Taylor
3.) Jason Campbell
4.) Carlos Rogers
5.) Santana Moss
6.) Clinton Portis
7.) Willis Maghee
8.) Ray Lewis
a.) The Inspector
b.) The Predator
c.) The Moss Factor
d.) The Punisher
e.) The Transformer
f.) Trouble
g.) The Enforcer
h.) The Maestro

At Eastern Motors…Motors,
Your job’s your credit…credit.
At Eastern Motors…Motors,
Your job’s your credit…credit.

Fords, Hondas, Chevys, Beemers
and minivans,
Over 600 cars, trucks, SUVs - are you listenin’ man?

Let Eastern Motors,
Put you in a car today.
Let Eastern Motors,
Finance it all the way..
1.) e 2.) d 3.) h 4.) g 5.) c 6.) b 7.) f 8.) a

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Top 10 Ways to Mess with Owners & Players if I Won the Lottery

If I won the lottery, here's the top 10 promotional nights I would pay to make happen:

10.) "Make it Rain Night". For Pacman Jones's first game back...give every fan in the upper deck a stack of $100 in singles in funny money.

9.) "Travis Henry Protection Night". If you're not aware, Travis Henry has 9 kids with 9 women. Buy every ticket in the stadium and give each person carrying a baby 1 free ticket. A whole stadium with crying babies would be hysterical. Free condoms at the door as well.

8.) "Free Beer and Frisbee Giveaway Night." I always wanted to mix a 'free draft beer' with a frisbee night promotion. If I had to pick (and I can since I just won the lottery), I choose the next Eagles home game when they play the Cowboys. I am just visualizing the barrage now:

7.) "Latrell 'I feed my kidz' Spreewell Boxed Dinner Night". Every kid 18 and under gets a free dinner upon entry.

6.) "Seal On Ice". I enjoy seeing people suffer, so for the 90,000+ that attend the outdoor NHL game in Buffalo this year, I would pay to have this as the intermission show and laugh my ass off while people boo. Frisbee night would be a good merger for this as well.

5.) "Welcome Back Trent Green Night". Buy 60,000 neck braces and hand them out to each person for Trent Green's first game back.

** Bonus - Anyone who arrives at the front gate in a gurney gets free tickets to next week's game as well.

4.) "Screw Dan Snyder". Being a Skins fan, I can personally attest to the OUTRAGEOUS parking prices that exist (like last year as a season ticket holder I had to pay $20 to park for a SCRIMMAGE). Not to mention Snyder bought out all the nearby parking areas and jacked the prices for those spots too. To add to the frustration, you cannot get into the parking areas until 4 hours before game time (presumably to keep people sober to buy food/drink inside).

My proposal: Build a massive 20,000 car garage next to Fedex Field with free parking, shuttles, tailgate parties, and jerseys.

3.) "Welcome Back Vick Night". Whatever team Vick comes back to play for, make a huge donation to allow people to "bring your dog to the game", and have the dogs barking the entire game.

For an extra $15 mil, I would demand to have full control of the PA system/DJ.

DJ Tracklist:
- Baja Men: "Who let the dogs out" (obviously) - played between each offensive play
- NIN : "I want to f*ck you like an Animal" (anytime he takes the field)
- Anything by Snoop Dogg, DMX, 3 dog night, or Lil Bow Wow
- Blink 182 - (Just read the lyrics)

Bonus: Right before kickoff, I would "Ask for a moment of silence for all the lost pets out there...," and then say "..and For Michael Vick" and then blow my silent dog whistle into the PA speaker so all the dogs go f'n ape-shit.

2.) "Romo(sexual) Fan Appreciation Night". I'd buy every ticket I could at Cowboys (Irving) stadium (minimum 20,000+) and pass them out to every flamer in Dallas the night before ... with the deal they can have the ticket to the game for free if they wore a cut-off tight Romo jersey and whistled at him the whole game.

1.) "Chris Henry Gat Night". Cincinnati Bengals. Every person in the stadium gets a free cap gun. It'll be like a Mexican wedding when Chris Henry scores.

** you got any suggestions? add them via Comments....for those of you that wished I used Eli manning for #2, believe me, it was a close call.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Rankings: Hottest NFL Cheerleaders by team

After combing through each team's cheerleader squad, every girl, I have done all the hard work and ranked the hottest girls. It took over 9 hours to research, rank, and type this f'n thing, but no worries, I did it at work. To my surprise, there are MULTIPLE teams that have no cheerleader squads. Shame on you: Jets, Browns, Steelers, Giants, Bears, Lions, and Packers. If Denver and KC can have squads with their weather, there's no excuse for the others. Ok, the Jets have a 'cheering' squad but there is no roster or way to see the girls. F-em...onto the hotties.

I decided to rank from hottest to worst...and believe me, it was hard choosing a cute girl on some of the sorry squads. One thing I noticed is that the girls photos are much hotter than they actually look, but until I see them in person for orgies, this is all I can go by. At the bottom are best team squad photos (which I highly recommend) and some honorable mentions. If any girl feels they are hotter, please send a nude photo to this account and I will re-consider (most likely in your favor). Onto the rankings:

1.) Britney (Tampa) . Dear lord. This is some sort of optical illusion b/c you can't stop your eyes from jumping to each picture and back. You see it all but can't take in fast enough.

2.) Summer (San Diego Chargers) - High quality bathing suit photo. Bravo SAN DIEGO.

3.) Andrea (Houston Texans). Wow. wow. wow. wow.

4.) Alexandra (Philadelphia Eagles).

5.) Alysha (New England Patriots) . Incredible body. God was in a good mood when he made her.

6.) Chelsea (Washington Redskins) . Dammit. Why are the legs cut off?!?!?!

7.) Abigail (Dallas Cowboys). IQ is probably 14 but who cares?

8.) Amy (Arizona Cardinals). ASU student so you know she f*cks!

9.) Kate (STL Rams). I would love to substitue the wall for my junk.

10.) Cassie (San Francisco 49ers). It took me 3 solid minutes to look up and see her pretty face.

...and the rest.........

14.) Lauren (DEN Broncos) - A healthy Lindsay Lohan. Should be in the top 10.

15.) Christie (CAR Panthers)

16.) Lindsey (CIN Bengals)

17.) Chelsea (OAK Raiders) - Isn't this sign language for "I like anal?"

18.) Kristie (SEA Seahawks)

19.) Amy (KC Chiefs)

21.) Jenny (TEN Titans)

22.) Erin (JAX Jaguars)

23.) Bailey (Colts)

25.) Jessica (Buffalo Bills)

Best Team Photos:

1.) TAMPA - Holy shit this is mind-boggling. You can spend 30 minutes on this easily! Enjoy.

2.) EAGLES - Lets play a game. Pick the one you want to bang the most. It'll take you at least two minutes to decide because as soon as you see one, the next one is cuter, than you back to the start and do it over again. Took me quite a few tries and I still don't know.
3.) TEXANS - A lot of cute facs, plus the only team with TWINS. Holla.
4. CHARGERS - all pictures are large, high quality, and in bathing suits


Best Asian:

Best Twins:

Wost Team Photo:
BILLS. Worst site ever. Each girl only has 1 picture and it seriously looks like the picture was taken with a disposable they are from long range. Booo.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Chris Cooley's Fiance/Wife Christy [pics]

So we've all heard the stories about Chris Cooley and how hot his fiance (wife) is. Well, I just want to thank Chris, Christy, her family, the Redskins, and Jebus for all agreeing she can do a MAXIM spread. This makes all those strip club stories so much better....enjoy:

Friday, October 5, 2007

Top 4 worst commercials right now

With baseball playoff season upon us and NFL in full mode, it is that time of year again where we see the SAME f’n commercials OVER AND OVER AND OVER again….the ones that cause you to change the channel immediately if not mute it…or in my case, curse and get all pissed off. Here are the top 4 worst commercials right now:

4.) Get Ready….for the ride of your life. GOD DAMMIT. I can hear this Toyota song over and over in my head. The worst part is I’ll be at Starbucks getting a coffee, and not even knowing I make that rockstar Vince Neil face shrieking silenty…”Get ready…fooor the riiiiiide of your liiife.” And then I see people starting at me I’m like DAMMIT TOYOTA. I don’t need anymore help looking like a t-bag then I already do. Toyota, you make think you won getting that jingle in my head for life, but alas, add Toyota to the list of cars I will never buy.

3.) Zoom Zoom. JESUS. As soon as I typed this I wanted to kill someone. “Zoom, Zoom, Zoom….yeah zoom zoom. Visit your Mazda clearance center now!” If anything, visit the nearest gun store to blow the TV out then my brains. I know I’ll be 94 in a mental home completely a vegetable, yet the only 2 words in my vocabulary are “Zoom Zoom.” In fact, just like J Peterman’s dying mom in Seinfeld that just before death arises to yell “Bosco”…I guarantee it will be me but with “Zoom Zoom.” Add Mazda to the list of cars I will never buy.

2.) Dane Cook – TBS. Being a fan of the standup circuit, I can say 5 years ago Dane Cook was probably one of the best standup comedians I had ever seen live…but wow, has he sold out. Even Sisqo and Skee-lo can point and laugh at him. The terrible cheesy movies, fine, we’d all take that paycheck, but these TBS ads running over and over. If you’re drawing a blank…”There’s only ONE Postseason…there’s only ONE Fall Classic…THERE’S ONLY ONE OCTOBER!” AHHH.

To make matters worse, he looks like Chandler Bing in his prescription pills addiction era. Whatever. This douche isn’t worth anymore of my time. See if you can watch this 3x without smashing your monitor…because this gets played 753 times that number during each game on TBS.

1.) “This is our country.” That says it all. Only in America can you advertise a mass audience so much that it sparks anger. How in God’s name does Chevy think that making us hear this song over and over would make us want to buy their truck? They have pissed me off so much with this commercial that I have made a lifetime commitment to never buy any Chevy cars and even talk anyone out that is trying to buy one. Maybe they are super brilliant and plan to after 3 years of this throw up a commercial, “If you buy this truck, we’ll stop playing the commercial.” Whatever. Chevy’s million $ advertising department must have taken the year off and decided to run the same shit from last year. I really don’t even know how John Cougar Mellencamp can walk out in public. I think he would get killed faster than George W. Bush walking around naked in Fallujah.

I know you want them, so hear it is…sing along…it’s the full lyrics:

The dream will never leave
And some day it will come true
And it’s up to me and you
To do the best that we can do
And let the voice of freedom

Sing out through this land
From the east coast…
To the west coast
Down the Dixie Highway
Back home
This is our country