Sunday, October 28, 2007

Eastern Motors Trivia

I don't even want to talk about Sunday's debacle against the Pats. So instead, lets play a game. See if you can matchup the player with their Eastern Motors nickname. Answer key is below the lyrics, which now will be stuck in your head the rest of the day (you're welcome).

Note: If you get #5 wrong then you should seriously see a doctor to test if you are downs-syndrome.

1.) Antwan Randle El
2.) Sean Taylor
3.) Jason Campbell
4.) Carlos Rogers
5.) Santana Moss
6.) Clinton Portis
7.) Willis Maghee
8.) Ray Lewis
a.) The Inspector
b.) The Predator
c.) The Moss Factor
d.) The Punisher
e.) The Transformer
f.) Trouble
g.) The Enforcer
h.) The Maestro

At Eastern Motors…Motors,
Your job’s your credit…credit.
At Eastern Motors…Motors,
Your job’s your credit…credit.

Fords, Hondas, Chevys, Beemers
and minivans,
Over 600 cars, trucks, SUVs - are you listenin’ man?

Let Eastern Motors,
Put you in a car today.
Let Eastern Motors,
Finance it all the way..
1.) e 2.) d 3.) h 4.) g 5.) c 6.) b 7.) f 8.) a

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Top 10 Ways to Mess with Owners & Players if I Won the Lottery

If I won the lottery, here's the top 10 promotional nights I would pay to make happen:

10.) "Make it Rain Night". For Pacman Jones's first game back...give every fan in the upper deck a stack of $100 in singles in funny money.

9.) "Travis Henry Protection Night". If you're not aware, Travis Henry has 9 kids with 9 women. Buy every ticket in the stadium and give each person carrying a baby 1 free ticket. A whole stadium with crying babies would be hysterical. Free condoms at the door as well.

8.) "Free Beer and Frisbee Giveaway Night." I always wanted to mix a 'free draft beer' with a frisbee night promotion. If I had to pick (and I can since I just won the lottery), I choose the next Eagles home game when they play the Cowboys. I am just visualizing the barrage now:

7.) "Latrell 'I feed my kidz' Spreewell Boxed Dinner Night". Every kid 18 and under gets a free dinner upon entry.

6.) "Seal On Ice". I enjoy seeing people suffer, so for the 90,000+ that attend the outdoor NHL game in Buffalo this year, I would pay to have this as the intermission show and laugh my ass off while people boo. Frisbee night would be a good merger for this as well.

5.) "Welcome Back Trent Green Night". Buy 60,000 neck braces and hand them out to each person for Trent Green's first game back.

** Bonus - Anyone who arrives at the front gate in a gurney gets free tickets to next week's game as well.

4.) "Screw Dan Snyder". Being a Skins fan, I can personally attest to the OUTRAGEOUS parking prices that exist (like last year as a season ticket holder I had to pay $20 to park for a SCRIMMAGE). Not to mention Snyder bought out all the nearby parking areas and jacked the prices for those spots too. To add to the frustration, you cannot get into the parking areas until 4 hours before game time (presumably to keep people sober to buy food/drink inside).

My proposal: Build a massive 20,000 car garage next to Fedex Field with free parking, shuttles, tailgate parties, and jerseys.

3.) "Welcome Back Vick Night". Whatever team Vick comes back to play for, make a huge donation to allow people to "bring your dog to the game", and have the dogs barking the entire game.

For an extra $15 mil, I would demand to have full control of the PA system/DJ.

DJ Tracklist:
- Baja Men: "Who let the dogs out" (obviously) - played between each offensive play
- NIN : "I want to f*ck you like an Animal" (anytime he takes the field)
- Anything by Snoop Dogg, DMX, 3 dog night, or Lil Bow Wow
- Blink 182 - (Just read the lyrics)

Bonus: Right before kickoff, I would "Ask for a moment of silence for all the lost pets out there...," and then say "..and For Michael Vick" and then blow my silent dog whistle into the PA speaker so all the dogs go f'n ape-shit.

2.) "Romo(sexual) Fan Appreciation Night". I'd buy every ticket I could at Cowboys (Irving) stadium (minimum 20,000+) and pass them out to every flamer in Dallas the night before ... with the deal they can have the ticket to the game for free if they wore a cut-off tight Romo jersey and whistled at him the whole game.

1.) "Chris Henry Gat Night". Cincinnati Bengals. Every person in the stadium gets a free cap gun. It'll be like a Mexican wedding when Chris Henry scores.

** you got any suggestions? add them via Comments....for those of you that wished I used Eli manning for #2, believe me, it was a close call.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Rankings: Hottest NFL Cheerleaders by team

After combing through each team's cheerleader squad, every girl, I have done all the hard work and ranked the hottest girls. It took over 9 hours to research, rank, and type this f'n thing, but no worries, I did it at work. To my surprise, there are MULTIPLE teams that have no cheerleader squads. Shame on you: Jets, Browns, Steelers, Giants, Bears, Lions, and Packers. If Denver and KC can have squads with their weather, there's no excuse for the others. Ok, the Jets have a 'cheering' squad but there is no roster or way to see the girls. F-em...onto the hotties.

I decided to rank from hottest to worst...and believe me, it was hard choosing a cute girl on some of the sorry squads. One thing I noticed is that the girls photos are much hotter than they actually look, but until I see them in person for orgies, this is all I can go by. At the bottom are best team squad photos (which I highly recommend) and some honorable mentions. If any girl feels they are hotter, please send a nude photo to this account and I will re-consider (most likely in your favor). Onto the rankings:

1.) Britney (Tampa) . Dear lord. This is some sort of optical illusion b/c you can't stop your eyes from jumping to each picture and back. You see it all but can't take in fast enough.

2.) Summer (San Diego Chargers) - High quality bathing suit photo. Bravo SAN DIEGO.

3.) Andrea (Houston Texans). Wow. wow. wow. wow.

4.) Alexandra (Philadelphia Eagles).

5.) Alysha (New England Patriots) . Incredible body. God was in a good mood when he made her.

6.) Chelsea (Washington Redskins) . Dammit. Why are the legs cut off?!?!?!

7.) Abigail (Dallas Cowboys). IQ is probably 14 but who cares?

8.) Amy (Arizona Cardinals). ASU student so you know she f*cks!

9.) Kate (STL Rams). I would love to substitue the wall for my junk.

10.) Cassie (San Francisco 49ers). It took me 3 solid minutes to look up and see her pretty face.

...and the rest.........

14.) Lauren (DEN Broncos) - A healthy Lindsay Lohan. Should be in the top 10.

15.) Christie (CAR Panthers)

16.) Lindsey (CIN Bengals)

17.) Chelsea (OAK Raiders) - Isn't this sign language for "I like anal?"

18.) Kristie (SEA Seahawks)

19.) Amy (KC Chiefs)

21.) Jenny (TEN Titans)

22.) Erin (JAX Jaguars)

23.) Bailey (Colts)

25.) Jessica (Buffalo Bills)

Best Team Photos:

1.) TAMPA - Holy shit this is mind-boggling. You can spend 30 minutes on this easily! Enjoy.

2.) EAGLES - Lets play a game. Pick the one you want to bang the most. It'll take you at least two minutes to decide because as soon as you see one, the next one is cuter, than you back to the start and do it over again. Took me quite a few tries and I still don't know.
3.) TEXANS - A lot of cute facs, plus the only team with TWINS. Holla.
4. CHARGERS - all pictures are large, high quality, and in bathing suits


Best Asian:

Best Twins:

Wost Team Photo:
BILLS. Worst site ever. Each girl only has 1 picture and it seriously looks like the picture was taken with a disposable they are from long range. Booo.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Chris Cooley's Fiance/Wife Christy [pics]

So we've all heard the stories about Chris Cooley and how hot his fiance (wife) is. Well, I just want to thank Chris, Christy, her family, the Redskins, and Jebus for all agreeing she can do a MAXIM spread. This makes all those strip club stories so much better....enjoy:

Friday, October 5, 2007

Top 4 worst commercials right now

With baseball playoff season upon us and NFL in full mode, it is that time of year again where we see the SAME f’n commercials OVER AND OVER AND OVER again….the ones that cause you to change the channel immediately if not mute it…or in my case, curse and get all pissed off. Here are the top 4 worst commercials right now:

4.) Get Ready….for the ride of your life. GOD DAMMIT. I can hear this Toyota song over and over in my head. The worst part is I’ll be at Starbucks getting a coffee, and not even knowing I make that rockstar Vince Neil face shrieking silenty…”Get ready…fooor the riiiiiide of your liiife.” And then I see people starting at me I’m like DAMMIT TOYOTA. I don’t need anymore help looking like a t-bag then I already do. Toyota, you make think you won getting that jingle in my head for life, but alas, add Toyota to the list of cars I will never buy.

3.) Zoom Zoom. JESUS. As soon as I typed this I wanted to kill someone. “Zoom, Zoom, Zoom….yeah zoom zoom. Visit your Mazda clearance center now!” If anything, visit the nearest gun store to blow the TV out then my brains. I know I’ll be 94 in a mental home completely a vegetable, yet the only 2 words in my vocabulary are “Zoom Zoom.” In fact, just like J Peterman’s dying mom in Seinfeld that just before death arises to yell “Bosco”…I guarantee it will be me but with “Zoom Zoom.” Add Mazda to the list of cars I will never buy.

2.) Dane Cook – TBS. Being a fan of the standup circuit, I can say 5 years ago Dane Cook was probably one of the best standup comedians I had ever seen live…but wow, has he sold out. Even Sisqo and Skee-lo can point and laugh at him. The terrible cheesy movies, fine, we’d all take that paycheck, but these TBS ads running over and over. If you’re drawing a blank…”There’s only ONE Postseason…there’s only ONE Fall Classic…THERE’S ONLY ONE OCTOBER!” AHHH.

To make matters worse, he looks like Chandler Bing in his prescription pills addiction era. Whatever. This douche isn’t worth anymore of my time. See if you can watch this 3x without smashing your monitor…because this gets played 753 times that number during each game on TBS.

1.) “This is our country.” That says it all. Only in America can you advertise a mass audience so much that it sparks anger. How in God’s name does Chevy think that making us hear this song over and over would make us want to buy their truck? They have pissed me off so much with this commercial that I have made a lifetime commitment to never buy any Chevy cars and even talk anyone out that is trying to buy one. Maybe they are super brilliant and plan to after 3 years of this throw up a commercial, “If you buy this truck, we’ll stop playing the commercial.” Whatever. Chevy’s million $ advertising department must have taken the year off and decided to run the same shit from last year. I really don’t even know how John Cougar Mellencamp can walk out in public. I think he would get killed faster than George W. Bush walking around naked in Fallujah.

I know you want them, so hear it is…sing along…it’s the full lyrics:

The dream will never leave
And some day it will come true
And it’s up to me and you
To do the best that we can do
And let the voice of freedom

Sing out through this land
From the east coast…
To the west coast
Down the Dixie Highway
Back home
This is our country