Monday, November 10, 2008

If Obama Ran the Redskins

So as U.S. begins life with Obama, I couldn't help but think what life would be like as a Redskins fan if Obama took over for Daniel Snyder for 4 years. Like with W., I think lots of changes would come swiftly, including:

- 25% increase in price for club & lower level tickets so that upper deck tickets can be given away to those making under $25,000 per year.

- Special parking lot closer to the stadium for hybrid and alternative-fuel cars. Air hoses will be attached to each light post so that every driver can inflate their tires to get better gas mileage.

- Ban on all charcoal grills.

- Current Guantanomo detainees released and brought up to Fedex to help out with concessions/vending.

- Instead of Rush Limbaugh, Roger Goodell, and Tom Cruise in the owner's booth, look for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hugo Chavez, and North Korea's Kim Jong-Il.

- Change in food selection to healthier menu to help fans make better and smarter choices. Free health care available at kiosks throughout stadium.

- Abortion consultations available in all women's restrooms.

- All home games will be day games to save electricity.

- Team's name is changed from the Redskins to the Washington Native Americans (the Washington Hope was a close second).

- Haftime there will be no band and everyone can take a moment to turn and pray to the God of their choice. A special flag will be added at the top of the stadium to highlight which direction is West towards the Mecca.

- Video above all urinals showing looping infomericals of why stem cell research is good.

The following people will be relieved of their duties and replaced by:

President of Operations: Vinny Cerrato (OUT), Nancy Pelosi (IN)
Team Chaplain: Brett Fuller (OUT), Reverend Jeremiah Wright (IN)
Salary Cap Assistant: Matt Jacobson (OUT), Jesse Jackson (IN)
Team Administration: Derrick Crawford (OUT), Oprah Winfrey (IN)
Director of Entertainment & Cheerleading: Donald Wells (OUT), Ted Kennedy (IN)
Director of Security: PG County Police (OUT), Bill Ayers (IN)

PS - Check back later in the week for our take on Sarah Palin's changes as the Redskins owner. We're pretty sure the team would be bankrupt by year two.

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