Now Look Here...There's Only One Ball Coach

At Coach Zorn's press conference to explain why he called himself the "Worst Coach In America", shoes started flying. With Vinny on one side and Snyder on the other (you can't see him over the podium), the pool of reporters started stirring and out emerged the Ole' Ball Coach himself, Steve Spurrier.

As Spurrier hurled the first of two shoes at Zorn's head, he screamed, "If anyone's the worst coach in America, it's me! You wish you could have invented using the Fun N' Gun against the best defenses in the NFL! How dare you infringe on my territory of coaching crappiness!"

Zorn was able to avoid being hit by any of the shoes. Asked about the incident, Zorn said, "All I can say is that Steve's shoes are very, very, very small. We were able to trace them back to a local Stride Rite for Kids. He must have an incredibly tiny penis."

From his position alongside Zorn, Vinny Cerrato was able to provide this insight, "From where I stood it looked like what Spurrier was trying to do was to try and, you know, project...kind of toss, if you will, the shoes in Jim's direction. In that situation what you want to do is try and move your body...try and you know, kind of twist yourelf in such a way as the shoe kind of, you know, kind of fails to make contact with the body."

Snyder, as always, had no comment.

Scouting Punters for the 2009 Draft

Now that the Redskins are looking forward to the 2009 draft, Ahern thought it would be beneficial to help out Vinny in scouting this year's punters. Since punters qualify for 6th round picks, it only makes sense we do our homework. Here is this year's top class ranked in order:


#1: T.J. Conley - Senior (Idaho Vandals):
2008 ALL-WAC FIRST TEAM. Excellent distance and hang-time.

YEAR	PUNTS	AVG	LNG	YDS	NET
2005	28	40.0	65	1121	40.0
2006	67	39.4	66	2640	39.4
2007	68	40.3	67	2741	40.3
2008	58	47.4	74	2751	47.7

#2: Ross Thevenot - Junior (Tulane)

YEAR	PUNTS	AVG
2008	45	45.80

Thevenot, a Punter/Kicker from Lake Charles, in one game, averaged 56 yards per punt on three attempts for 168 yards, placing one inside the 20. He also connected on field goals of 32 and 43 yards while converting all four PATs. His 43-yard field goal with 4:01 to play was a season-long and his 71-yard punt was the longest by a Green Wave player since 2003.


#3: Justin Brantly - Senior (Texas A&M)

YEAR	PUNTS	AVG	LNG	YDS	NET
2005	46	43.2	80	1989	43.2
2006	50	44.3	62	2215	44.3
2007	56	44.2	67	2475	44.2
2008	51	45.7	63	2331	45.7

Learning from the Past (in all seriousness):
There is an amazing truth I discovered about last year's draft, which is rather sickening and I feel Vinny needs to explain. Like the Redskins, the Broncos had their eye pre-draft on landing a solid Punter.

There were 4 punters that finished with a higher average than Durant Brooks (45.06 avg on 65 punts) last year...the winner being Kevin Huber of CIN (46.88 on 57). The #2 overall punter of the NCAA last year was Brett Kern of Toledo. One of the reasons the Broncos liked Brett Kern was that he kicked in the MAC, your basic cold-weather conference. He thrived under those circumstances, leading the nation at one-point in average yardage as a senior. Playing patient, the Broncos got their guy. Guess what round the Broncos drafted him? FREE AGENT. They never had to use a pick. He is now ranked #6 this year overall in NFL punting with ZERO blocks or touchbacks. To me, that is as embarrassing as it gets.

Kern's stats for DENVER this year:

YEAR	PUNTS	AVG	LNG	YDS	In20
2008	44	46.9	64	2066	13

Note: Plackemeier is ranked #31 with a 41.5 average, an abysmal 7 touchbacks, and only 9 punts inside the 20. I find this an embarrassingly low number since Plackeybomber is forced to punt 9 times a game it seems.